Beowulf: The Manchester Translation

Rick Hudson

Right! Yous ‘ll know that the old Danish kings were proper top, and know all about the larks what they got up to. Scyld Scefing, he were proper mint, and that. Tidy he were, and kicked a few lads a bit. He never skriked nor scarpered. He’d had some mither with some sea wreck or something, but it was all sorted and he didn’t go on about it.

Scyld’s lad Beowulf were even harder than his dad. Everyone knew that things were sorted with him: he’d always rake in serious dollar and pass it around. Seriously. No, seriously. No, I mean seriously. Seriously, yeah. Actually. No, Actually. Seriously. Yeah. Anyway, although everyone was cut up a bit when the old lad Scyld carked it, it were generally happy days all round when his Beowulf took the top man’s job. What with him being so mint and everything. Anyway, yeah, yeah, anyway, this Beowulf wasn’t like the proper Beowulf, he was like another one. Anyway, Beowulf – the first one, not the proper one – had a son called Hrothgar who went on to build this hall, right. This place was called Heorot, right. Right? Seriously. No, actually, seriously. Seriously, yeah. And Hrothgar banged it full of gold and that.

Anyway, there were this Grendel, this like hanging creature that were always skriking and mithering and being generally mard about everything. Like always playing up about other people having a mental time. And banging on and on and on about how it had been damned to the land of monsters by God for all eternity. Something like that, anyway. Something to do with Cain and Able or something. Anyway …

What this Grendel did, right, what he did, right, was go every night to Heorot and cause a ruck and nail a few of Hrothgar’s lads. Proper grim, eh? Yeah. Just because it wasn’t sound with them having a proper mental time all the time. And dibs weren’t even bothered or anything. OR ANYTHING!!!!! Seriously! But, anyway, this Grendel kid always got his strop on about that stuff anyway.  Anyway, Hrothgar had to get this sorted, obviously. Seriously though, he did, seriously. No, seriously. Obviously, yeah.

Anyway, Beowulf – the proper one this time – heard what was going on at Heorot. And, what with him actually being the hardest man ever, actually even actually harder than the other Beowulf, actually – the one that wasn’t actually the proper Beowulf – who was actually pretty hard even so, actually, he thought he’d like pop along to Heorot and lend Hrothgar a hand. Beowulf – yeah, the proper one – was a prince of the Geats (mental name, yeah?) and so had a tidy gang of lads in tow to take to Denmark to get that Grendel sorted proper. And they was proper mad for it an’ all. Seriously.

Manchester / English Dictionary

Sorted: great; I concur; to bring to a satisfactory conclusion

Mint: great; I concur

Top: great; I concur

Proper: great; I concur; that proposition meets with my approval; may be employed to indicate that item or phenomenon is authentic and / or executed in in a legitimate spirit, e.g. ‘Game of Thrones on TV is proper to the book’.

Tidy: great; I concur

Serious: great; very; I wish to refute your contradiction, even though you haven’t made one and I merely imagine you have; I concur; may be used as ubiquitous emphasiser, e.g. ‘Seriously, I’m being serious. Seriously’.

Actually: not a word but a form of verbal emission that enables you to carry on talking without actually having anything actually meaningful to actually say, actually. In so doing one is able to dominate a conversation by force of will alone rather than argument, reason or communicative ability, charisma or charm. e.g. ‘Actually, Rick, I actually think you are actually wrong about that, actually’.

Mental: great; good; bad; in a state of disarray (physically, mentally or spiritually); amusing; enjoyable; horrifying; suffering from a psychological or psychiatric condition; moderate; I concur; to be in a state of artificially induced stimulation or distraction.

Proper sorted: great; very nice; that’s that situation agreeably resolved; we had a nice time; don’t mention it; well done; to cause physical injury or perpetrate other malicious act in spirit of retribution for wrongs committed (real or imagined); I concur.

Mad for it: somewhat enthusiastic.

Look after your car: to refrain from perpetrating criminal damage to an automobile in exchange for financial remuneration

Rick Hudson is a Manchester (UK) based academic, novelist, and short story writer who has been writing for 30 years. He has been described as ‘the most significant writer Manchester has produced since Anthony Burgess’ and has seen his work published alongside that of writers of the stature of Bentley Little, Clive Barker and Neil Gaiman as well as broadcast by the BBC.

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